USS Enterprise Vs. Borg (humor)

2046 AD

Upon entering an unknown space, USS Enterprise was caught by
surprise by one of the Borg's cubical space ship. The USS Enterprise
was commanded to surrender and be prepare to be assimilated.

Due to the technical failures they experience during the last
mission, the USS Enterprise's resistance was proven to be useless since
the Borg has the capability to mechanically alter their space ship to
make it superior to the USS Enterprise.

In their desperate attempt, Picard is commanding LaForge to search
through the space database of the human history, hoping for a way to
cope with the Borgs...

...minutes passed...

INT. COMMAND CENTER

Picard: Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with
your attempts at finding a weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data,
have you been able to access their command pathways?

Geordi: Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer
by searching through our archives on late Twentieth-century computing
technology.

Geordi presses a key, and a logo appears on the computer screen.

Riker [puzzled] What the hell is Microsoft?

Data [turns to explain] Allow me to explain. We will
send this program, for some reason called "Windows", through the
Borg command pathways. Once inside their root command unit, it
will begin consuming system resources at an unstoppable rate.

Picard: But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won't
they alter their processing systems to increase their storage
capacity?

Data: Yes, Captain. But when Windows detects this,
it creates a new version of itself known as an "upgrade". The use
of resources increases exponentially with each iteration. The
Borg will not be able to adapt quickly enough. Eventually all
of their processing ability will be taken over and none will
be available for their normal operational functions.

Picard: Excellent work. This is even better than that
unsolvable geometric shape idea.

. . . . 15 Minutes Later . . .

Data: Captain, we have successfully installed the Windows
in the Borg's command unit. As expected, it immediately consumed
85% of all available resources. However, we have not received
any confirmation of the expected upgrade.

Geordi: Our scanners have picked up an increase in
Borg storage and CPU capacity, but we still have no indication
of an upgrade to compensate for their increase.


Picard: Data, scan the history banks again and determine
if there is something we have missed.

Data: Sir, I believe there is a reason for the failure
in the upgrade. Appearently the Borg have circumvented that part
of the plan by not sending in their registration cards.

Riker: Captain, we have no choice. Requesting permission
to begin emergency escape sequence 3F!

Geordi: [excited] Wait, Captain! Their CPU capacity
has suddenly dropped to 0%!

Picard: Data, what do your scanners show?

Data: [studying displays] Appearently the Borg have
found the internal Windows module named Solitaire, and it has
used up all available CPU capacity.

Picard: Lets wait and see how long this Solitaire can
reduce their functionality.

. . . . Two Hours Pass . . .

Riker: Geordi, what is the status of the Borg?

Geordi: As expected, the Borg are attempting to re-engineer
to compensate for increased CPU and storage demands, but each
time they successfully increase resources I have setup our closest
deep space monitor beacon to transmit more Windows modules from
something called the Microsoft Fun-Pack.

Picard: How much time will that buy us?

Data: Current Borg solution rates allow me to predict
an interest time span of 6 more hours.

Geordi: Captain, another vessel has entered our sector.

Picard: Identify.


Data: It appears to have markings very similar to the
Microsoft logo...

[over the speakers] "This is Admiral Bill Gates of the Microsoft
flagship MONOPOLY. We have positive confirmation of unregistered
software in this sector. Surrender all assets and we can avoid
any trouble. You have 10 seconds to comply."

Riker: Sir, it's the Microsoft!

Data: The Borg shown resistance, they ignore the Microsoft threat...

Picard: I don't think that's a smart choice, considering their system is really low on resources.

Riker: Indeed...

Something happened on the monitor

Data: Sir! The alien ship has just opened its forward hatches
and released thousands of humanoid-shaped objects.

Picard: Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft!

The monitors magnified to show the detailed view of the objects.

Riker: My God, captain! Those are human beings floating
straight toward the Borg ship - with no life support suits! How
can they survive the tortures of deep space?!

Data: I dont believe that those are humans, sir. If
you will look closer I believe you will see that they are carrying
something recognized by twenty-first century man as doeskin leather
briefcases, and wearing Armani suits.

Riker and Picard, together [horrified]: Lawyers!!

Geordi: [Nervous] It can't be... All the Lawyers were rounded up
and sent hurtling into the sun in 2017 during the Great Awakening!

Data: True, but appearently some must have survived.

Riker: [Anxious] They have surrounded the Borg ship and are covering
it with all types of papers.

Data: I believe that is known in ancient vernacular
as red tape. It often proves fatal.

Riker: [Emotional] They... they're tearing the Borg to pieces!

Picard: Turn the monitors off, Data! I cant bear to
watch! Even the Borg doesn't deserve such a gruesome death!

[THE END]

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